Spirals

A lot of people think that life moves in a straight line. Just a series of events that happen one after another. But actually, life moves in a spiral because you will keep coming back around to the same problems and hangups over and over again. Anyone over the age of 30 starts to notice patterns in the problems we have. The hard part is that to resolve these issues that keep repeating, we need to take ownership. It's so much easier to blame something or someone else for our problems and hang-ups. The problem with that is the unresolved issue is just going to come back around and bite us in the ass. 

Part of growing up is realizing that even if something is not your fault, it has to become your responsibility for you to move forward. A personal example: the easiest thing for me to have done after my stroke is to blame bad luck or the universe. I would lay alone in my bed, unable to speak, listing all the things I lost. I spent a long time feeling sorry for myself...thinking about all the things I wished I could be doing. 

What I learned is that the list is irrelevant because I did not lose anything that truly mattered. Yet, it was hard for me to whittle down what really mattered at first. I kept mentally spiraling back to things I used to feel were important like my internship at Palomar and work toward medical school, finishing the work on the Honda Pilot, my projects around the house, playing my guitars, getting back to jiu-jitsu, and going back "home" to the Foxhall Court house in San Marcos. I thought I would be in the hospital for a few weeks, and then I would go back home. To summarize, I wanted my life to go back to the way it was and keep on that 'straight-line' I was on. It was hard to let it go. I came to realize my recovery and rehabilitation would take more time ... a lot more time.

Once I took ownership of the situation, I was able to see that I still had my amazing relationship with my wife and best friend, Vanessa. I still had my amazing children. I watched my father show up for me and fight for me day after day. I felt the love of my family that I didn't realize was there before. I heard from my amazing friends through Facebook and phone calls and felt their outpouring of love. Even my dogs were taken care of by strangers who became friends so I could have them back. 

I had everything stripped away, but nothing that really mattered. 

Now, I have the opportunity to build my life back from scratch. I've taken ownership of that journey, and I'm trying to do the best job possible. Not to steal from Marvel..."home" is not a place, it's a people and for us, home is our family. I didn't get to say goodbye to my home of 6 years while I was in the hospital, but I have a beautiful new home with my wife and family. I am very grateful.